#1: The Decision to Jump

I wasn’t brave. I just jumped anyway.

I’ve had multiple encouraging texts from friends who mention my bravery. They ask me about being scared and do not shy away from sharing all of their concerns, everything from militias to bugs. They deem my move to Uganda as courageous.

I have never thought about it like that.

It is not out of bravery that I chose to come to Uganda. If anything, there were just as many factors pushing me out of the United States as there were factors pulling me toward this move. It seemed like the logical choice. And more than that, it felt like the best of the opportunities presented to me.

Someone else asked me if it was easy to leave. Honestly, yes. I was heading toward a room of my own, at least as Virginia Woolf understood it. I had been traveling non-stop for the past eight months, never staying in the same place for more than two weeks. J’en ai marre. I am ready to rest. I am ready to feel stable again.

People keep asking me if I am scared. I keep saying no. But somewhere over the Atlantic, sitting on a plane with nothing to do but think, I finally let the question land. What am I scared of? What could go wrong? What am I missing out on in the United States, or Switzerland, or wherever-the-hell else while I am here? What if it all crashes and burns? What is the worst disease I could contract? How big are the spiders?

The truth is, I don’t think I jumped because I was fearless. I jumped before fear had the chance to fully organize itself. I had been ignoring the seriousness of what I was doing, quietly hoping that if I stayed in motion, the weight of it wouldn’t catch up to me. My fan base, which consists of three friends and ten family members, finally forced me to stop and look. I blame them entirely for this sudden bout of anxiety.

There are a lot of unknowns. It is, by most reasonable standards, an unusual choice to move to Uganda without an organizational or institutional backing. There is a lot that can go wrong, and I am the first to admit it. But I have made my choice to be here, so come hell or high water, I am ready to deal with what comes. As a bonus, my health insurance includes repatriation of my corpse if I die. Yay! (I am not going to die, mom, please don’t stress.)

The reality is this: there is nothing I can do except stay in the moment and deal with problems as they arise. Isn’t that one of the central disciplines of medicine? Medicine is not the elimination of risk. It is the practice of responding to what is actually in front of you. That belief is what led me here, and it is what I will rely on going forward.

I think I am ready for this. But then again, I don’t really know. I suppose no one does until they jump. I have jumped, so let’s all just hope that the parachute opens before I bite off more than I can chew.

I carry the love of my friends and family with me here. There were many tearful goodbyes, and I noticed a seriousness in their eyes this time. No one looked at me with fear when I left for the land of watches, chocolate, and mountaineering. Switzerland made sense to people. Uganda seems incomprehensible to many. I now have an entire neural cluster of family members reminding me to “be careful.” I promise I will do the best I can.

I feel everyone’s love as I leave for this adventure. I carry you all with me into this very new world. After 2025, the year of intense travel, at least I know I’m good at jumping into to new situations!